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[Oct. 9th, 2009|02:58 am] |
I'm going to start writing in here again.
I stopped. For a really long time.
But I think I need it.
If for nothing else, just to remember time passing.
And remember who I was when it passed.
Because I don't think I would if it weren't right in front of me.
Stuff's been weird.
Really weird.
Epic binge today.
Tomorrow.. the rest of the year.. will be better.
It had gotten way better.
But you know. Working in an ice cream store was never a good idea.
I don't think I've taken my medicine in 3 days. |
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[Apr. 6th, 2009|03:53 am] |
I want you to know that I don't care.
I don't care what you tell your friends,
or what you think you have over me.
I don't care if you laugh at me with your friends,
or just by yourself.
I don't care.
You don't phase me. |
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[Jan. 9th, 2009|08:36 pm] |
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do,
and I've hurt myself by hurting you.
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit.
Sometimes I just want to hide cause it's you I miss.
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
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[Jan. 1st, 2009|11:41 pm] |
So here we lie in this beautiful mess of tangled sheets and beads of sweat
with my heart in your hand, my neck in the other.
Should I be scared or should I come closer?
But it's still beating and I'm still breathing.
As life leaves my eyes I realize I must have died.
It looks like I didn't make it through the night.
I never got to say goodbye.
I'll never get to say anything at all again
to a world that barely knew I was alive.
You taught me many things.
Like how it feels to miss someone so bad it feels like a part of you is missing.
I can tell you one thing.
Now that you have goe I never will forget you.
You left your mark.
If you're a butterfly, I'm suicide by insecticide.
If I am kerosene then you're a spark just begging to ignite.
You'll wish you never met me.
Butterfly, butterfly, float on by me.
The ghost of pathetic past is haunting me here more and more.
Skeletons are laughing at me through the closet door.
and doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver?
The way things could have gone..
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
So that I do remember to never go that far..
could you leave me with a scar?
I think I realized just in time,
although my old self was hard to find..
You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine.
Cause I'm a little bit tired of fearing
that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys.
Tell me did you think we'd all dream the same? |
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[Dec. 5th, 2008|11:02 am] |
LOL I'm on a mac.
I'm in the library at loyola and they have them set up so I was like well.. I've got some free time.
It's just funny, because never in my life will I ever be able to afford one of these..
and yet the only thing that really entertains me about this computer to the point that I'd buy it..
is the HUGE screen and super cool futuristic keyboard.
Stupid.
still super fun though lol. |
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[Nov. 26th, 2008|06:05 pm] |
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize,
the kind I have always seems to slip my mind.
I hate everything. |
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[Nov. 12th, 2008|10:24 pm] |
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I feel like dying. |
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| I wholeheartedly agree. |
[Nov. 8th, 2008|10:41 am] |
| [ | music |
| | tell her this - del amitri | ] |
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[Nov. 6th, 2008|02:04 am] |
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. |
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| I won't let no one in tomorrow. |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|09:54 am] |
Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,
if there's a soulmate for everyone.
Lady sing the blues so well as if she mean it,
as if it's hell down here in the smoke filled world
where the jokes are cold
they don't laugh at jokes,
they laugh at tragedies.
and the kick is so divine
when she sees bones beneath the skin
and she says, hey baby can you bleed like me?
come on baby can you bleed like me?
Doodle takes Dad's scissors to her skin
and when she does relief comes setting in
while she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
she sings hey baby can you bleed like me?
come on baby can you bleed like me?
Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure? Did she understand it when they said that a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure? Will she still believe it when he's dead? I'm hearing what you say
but I just can't make a sound. You tell me that you need me, then you go and cut me down. You tell me that you're sorry didn't think I'd turn around and say that it's too late to apologize. It's too late. You say sorry like an angel heaven let me think was you. Grown up, she just turned 16 stuck in the moment dead at the scene but it's on tonight.. this is the life that you wanted, right?So turn off all the lights. Dressed up just like a movie star, at all the parties they'll know who you are. Wouldn't it be great to be fashionably late? So why don't you wait til you're sedated? Don't it feel like something's not right in his kiss tonight? I'd arrest you if I had handcuffs.
I'd arrest you if I had the time.
I'd throw you down in the backseat
as if you'd committed a terrible crime.
I'd break into towns worth of houses
I'd rob whole families blind.
I'd do it to you like you'd do it to me
if you knew you would get away fine.
It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying.
It's hard to be the better man when you're still lying.
this is the moment that you know
that you've told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
yea, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.She laid her heart and soul right in your hands, and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans. She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't. So what made you think that you could take a life and just push it around? I guess to build yourself up so high you had to take her and break her down. Don't want to reach for me, do you? I mean nothing to you. The little things give you away. Look at me, my depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just shot down my spine. You look so beautiful tonight. Reminds me how you laid us down and gently smiled, before you destroyed my life. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces? They find you, two-time you, say you're the best they've ever seen. You should've never trusted Hollywood. They take you and make you, They look at you in disgusting ways.You should've never trusted Hollywood. For drunken fathers and stupid mothersand boys who can't tell one girl from another.That's what you get for falling again, You can never get him out of your head. It's the way that he makes you feel It's the way that he kisses you It's the way that he makes you fall in love. She's beautiful as usual, with bruises on her ego and, her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men. It's the way that he's in your mind, It's the way that he makes you cry. It's the way that he makes you fall in love. I'll classify every word out of your lips as lie.
Until you're lying beneath the dirt and the soil held as the king as deceivers and cheats.
You've got a lot to learn, more best friends to burn, more malignant lies to conjure.
I'm down and out for now but til the day you die,
I will haunt your dreams.
I hope your breathing doesn't come easy,
and I pray to God I'm all you dream.
Save your tears, don't apologize,
all you'll hear is goodbye
until you're a memory.
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[Oct. 1st, 2008|08:26 am] |
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Little angel go away.
Come again some other day.
The devil has my ear today,
I'll never hear a word you say.
He promised I would find a little solace
and some peace of mind,
whatever, just as long as I dont feel so
Desperate and ravenous,
I'm so weak and powerless over you. |
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| So you admit that believing in love is the same as believing in Santa Claus? |
[Sep. 24th, 2008|11:08 am] |
I'm not going to ANY of my classes today.
Because I need a fucking DAY to myself to get myself together.
Then I'm going to the health center to get an excused absence slip, after I tell them about the monstrous headache I've dreamed up to be a good enough reason to miss class.
Oh, AndrewCounselorMan.
Your interviews are getting more and more uncomfortable.
And your questions are starting to sound like accusations.
And compliments?
I just want a fucking xanax prescription. |
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[Sep. 23rd, 2008|12:50 pm] |
ughhhhhhhhhhh FUUUUCK.
I DON'T WANT THIS.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
I wish I'd never met you. |
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| Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. |
[Sep. 21st, 2008|07:38 pm] |
I've seen fire and I've seen rain.
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend.
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together lives within my heart. And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears. And when she was happy so was I, when she loved me. Through the summer and the fall we had each other, that was all. Just she and I together, like it was meant to be. And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her. And I knew that she loved me.
So the years went by, I stayed the same, but she began to drift away, I was left alone. I'm willing to break myself to shake this hell from everything I touch. I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and greys so you don't hurt so much. |
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| Love is watching someone die. |
[Sep. 20th, 2008|03:03 am] |
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So who's gonna watch you die? |
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[Aug. 28th, 2008|11:04 am] |
| [ | music |
| | with eyes wide shut - bless the fall | ] |
No word yet about what the university has decided.
Supposedly, they'll be kind of closing down the school at 12pm on Friday if we're all evacuating,
or if the hurricane comes here.
My evacuation options:
1) It's Hammond to the church with people I don't want to be with... ever.
2) Decatour, Alabama... 6 or more hours in the car with no air condition with my parents.
3) home.
I'm hoping for home. |
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| God.... where are you going with this? |
[Aug. 27th, 2008|12:09 pm] |
So afraid she'll wake to find she's all alone.
Sometimes I over-exaggerate.
Sometimes I freak out about things that might never happen.
And I make big deals of things, and then feel like an ass because nothing came out of it.
But we will have to put Trixie to sleep.
One day.. we will have to evacuate again.
These are valid concerns, and even if they aren't going to happen Saturday or Friday.. I will have to deal with these things.
I've just got no fucking idea how.
Like I literally cannot wrap my mind around going through that process.
What should I pack?
Every other time before then.. I just packed what I'd need for a day or two.
Left everything on the floor.
I didn't even clean my room.
and I just keep picturing all of it.. smelly, soaking in dirt and water, molding.
Like something that died and rotted.
So what do I bring?
What are the circumstances?
We won't flood again.
I keep reminding myself the only reason we flooded in the first place was because of Aaron Broussard and stupid decisions.
Things are different now.
They can't make the same mistakes twice.
But I didn't expect them to make them the first time.
I don't want to make too big a deal of this.
I can't wrap my mind around waking up in the morning, piling stuff into the car.
Listening to Dad reference things that happened in Katrina.
putting the cats in carriers and Maggie in the front seat with Mom.
Me piled uncomfortably in the car for an undetermined length of time.
Staying at some hotel where everyone looks at you like they don't know whether to make a joke of the intense de ja vu everyone's feeling, or just to not look at you at all.
Mom asking if I'm okay.. or maybe not.
It all just seems like a nightmare to me now.
I'm just not ready for this yet.
P.S. I told goose last night I'm changing the day that I'm celebrating my birthday from now on.
First September 11... then Katrina.... You don't have to tell me twice.
I can't change the day I was born.
But I'm going to start celebrating it in the summer or something.
I'll pick my favorite day and just do it then.
Everyone can deal with it not being my real birthday.
I guess this sounds petty.
I guess I just hate everything.
Every race night is shot through with sunlight.
trying to hit the big one one last time tonight.
For drunken fathers and stupid mothers
and boys who can't tell one girl from another.
So she takes her pills, careful and round.
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down.
She's trying to be a good girl and give em what they want.
Margery's dreaming of horses.
For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins..
We were merely freshmen. |
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[Aug. 21st, 2008|02:01 pm] |
"You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned--the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and the Pythagorean theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you'll forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. For me, it was something by Simon & Garfunkel. Who knows what it will be for you? And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations--even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else."
-Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac |
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[Aug. 17th, 2008|03:09 am] |
A pretty face it breaks my heart to see.
Screwwww insanejournal, if I'm gonna write these long ass entries that it won't even post.
And I don't even find out til hours later that it never ever posted.
Bite mee. |
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[Aug. 14th, 2008|08:30 pm] |
Go on believe if it turns you on.
Take what you need til your body's numb.
I hate nighttime. |
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